you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
