it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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