omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
