is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
