all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
