I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
