Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
