evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
