I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
