You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
