omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
