lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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