Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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