you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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