dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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