Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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