Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
is wine microwaveable?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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