You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
