Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
