when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
