my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
