Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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