I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
