Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
