Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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