In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
