I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
