I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
