I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
