I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
