He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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