saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize