i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
