omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
