I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
