i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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