It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
