my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
