he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
