He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
