My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
