Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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