oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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