Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
