We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
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Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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