Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
