Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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