I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
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View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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