I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
