i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
