i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
