Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
