so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
