if you like me you must not know who I am
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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