Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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