Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish there were birth control emojis
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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