I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
