____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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