I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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