So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
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Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch